Sometimes it feel like words can't tell anything. But anyway I'll try to explain how I feel today.

9 a.m.
I'm wakin'up. Outside birds are doing a heavy noise, squeaking and they're the ones that woke me up every morning. My sister Kathleen's taking a shower and the twins Siobhan and Edana running in the corridors, sreacing, falling ang laughing. Happy house, isn't it ? Fun family, ten children, four of them living in others states than ours. I HATE this place. Really. I don't found it fun, neither joyful nor warm. I don't.
So this morning, like others, I get up and take a shower, get down to the kitchen, breakfast and go out to horses. I'm bored. I'm so normal that... I don't know, but it's boring. Everytime, everyday doing the same thing, thinking about same people, singing the same song... Riding the same horse... Be at the same school lessons... See the same faces... I WANNA GO OUT !!
My car's crash, my horse not faster as I want, so go on for the train. Colours jumped to my eyes as I jump meself in a bus, and twenty minutes far in a train for Connecticut. I've never see it, was too young for this before and blind the first time and get in. Behind the window landscapes turns in colourful lines. This is great ! Hours by hours, I start feel better and look at the forget-me-not blue sky, sheeps clouds and big birds wandering around. My soul's never in peace but I can do it, I can change. I want to prove meself I'm able to pass a few days without being obsessed by Him... Eh, f*ck, I've mention it ! This's not correct, if it continues on... NO ! No way, I'll call him. No I can't. Should I ? ... Fuck. I'll better be sleeping.

2 p.m.
My head's heavy. I try to remember why I'm "moving", well why the landscape's moving and then I bounce up and knock my skull on the ceiling. A little scream pass off my lips and I look at my phone. 2 p.m. passed since eleven minutes. We're in the Connecticut now. prairies full of wild animals and cows are lining outside. This isn't beautiful as I've imagine.
The train stops, and I jump out without look behind, stopped a taxicar and ask for the smallest village he know. He do it, and 3 p.m. I was in a the smallest and ugliest hostel of the world. Buty it was just perfect. Now I shut the door. Shut the door and look into me, searching all the "why"s in my soul.
Why am I gay ? Boy I was playing with dolls. Was it in me when I birth ? Was it because of Mehdi ? I've reed many twins was one gay and the other not.
Why me ? Because I'll be unique. I was selfish even to 3 years...
Why did I fell in love with Alaric ? Because he's beautiful and he was fragile when and met him, and because in my little cell to the hospital I've known yet he'll be changed when I'll turn back and it was fun to try to make him pleasant with me again. And because he is intelligent and in the depht of my bones I've ever knew who he was.
Why am I so selfish ? My parents.
Why are they so cool with me ? Their parents. Royal family was racist and sharp, even if they didn't known they was royal family. My grand-dad Misael did hit my father so hard once his brothers Thomas and Rory should stop him for save his life. My grand-mum Sue, my mother's mum, give her to wolves when she knew she was pregnant. So, they grew us up like phareons. We're princes and princesses, and before knowing it was a real fact we felt the same. Not like Alaric.
Why am I so pessimistic ? Well I want to. I want to complain.

Is all I just said true ? No. The only thing I really want it's death. Not by selffish behaviour. No to make my friends sads. Not for have my picture and name in the news papers. Not for have the "pleasure" to met the Hell Master. But to provoque him, make him killing me once again and so annihiling my existence from the mind of all the poor people I've met.

So shut the door on me, on you, and everything'll be allright. Shut the door. This is clean now, you don't see me. Close your eyes... I'll be dead next morning. The sensible Tarek'll be dead. And the one of everyday back. So shut the door and lock it.

Good night.